You want to ensure a first date doesn’t do that thing where it turns into a second? First, wait. Don’t go out with him right away. Instead sleep awkwardly and randomly at his house for the first six months of knowing him and share absolutely nothing about yourself. Panty color? That’s fine. Middle name, favorite color, country of origin – Off limits. After the six-month probationary period, agree to go out and get dressed all datey but still don’t call it a date. Next, and this is an important one, upon arrival order Tequila and tell them to keep them coming. It’s time to talk so just dive right in. Tell your date where you had your honeymoon before you tell him that you were once married. That’s right. Pick a dark, red fruity wine with earthy undertones for this part – you have had enough Tequila. Sit him in a dark corner so that all the lights compliment your cheekbones and facial structure and makes your skin glisten like you walked out of the house with a filter on.  Tell him that the guy your best friend walked in on you boning, stuck around long enough to sweep you off of your feet, propose and actually get you to say yes. Make absolute sure that you leave no stone unturned when you ask if he would like to see the ring and before he answers, but after he looks at your left hand, pull it out of a small pocket in your purse that you personally sewed there, complete with a button, so it never has to get lost in the bottom. Ignore the confused look on his face and hold it up to the light so that he can see just how much better it looks with all the lights bouncing off of it. He will even look better in its glory. It’s tempting to stop the story right here but you’re not that type. Don’t half ass it – and don’t ask him to try it on. You were overcome in happiness during your marriage, tell him all about it. His name is Delance and God himself created Delance for you, you were close like that once upon a time – You and God. It is really important he knows just how perfect Delance is but as perfect as Delance is, and he is that damn perfect, he wasn’t as perfect as the child you effortlessly carried for a perfect 40 weeks. Ignore him saying ok as a synonym to shut up and tell him how you are absolutely sure that you conceived this baby during the backbreaking sex you had out in the Maldives where your sex cries echoed out over the North Central Indian Ocean and, more than likely, disrupted some of the sleeping ancestors.  Make sure that he is privy to all of the details. You never had one nightmare or nauseous thought the entire time you were pregnant. You were all love and belly and boobs until the day you were due and you craved… attention. Oh, and garlic parm wings dipped in hot sauce. Let him know you had a friend that was your friend by way of being pre-engaged to your best friend (everyone knew they were going to get married someday). She was an OB and let you know that you were carrying a perfect little girl. Her words exactly a perfect little girl. Look him in the eye when you tell him about your perfect textbook delivery on bringing this perfect little girl into this world. Smile a little. Tell him your water broke at home. Your contractions got increasingly worse and your humorous husband helped you to breath and laugh through them. When the contractions were close enough you drove to the hospital and upon checking your cervix they found out you were crowning and two pushes later you had graduated from a bashful bride to a marvelous mom. It can get tricky here. Stress that you are not the star of the show but that she is. Build up the courage to speak her name, Delaney. Wipe the tear with just one finger so as not to smear your makeup and in-between bites, tell him how intelligent she was and how it was an honor just to watch her breath at night, the rise and fall of her chest giving you complete satisfaction. Look off into the distance and smile like you can see it now, her little lips just slightly parted as she dreamt, not even space enough to show her tiny white teeth. When you’re ready to move on grasp your left hand with your right as you remember, and get ready to relay, how yow went into the hospital with high hopes the evening before she would turn four and look him in the eye when you tell him you were discharged three days later with a diagnosis that would change the course of humanity. Don’t just look him in the eye but stare into those eyes, hold his gaze. Some may think you’re being dramatic here. You are not. Let him know that your sweet Delaney was discharged with a death sentence that came up for collection only six months later and the only way to dull the pain was to step outside of yourself and become someone else that you didn’t have to recognize when you looked in the mirror. Let him know it wasn’t just you everyone seen the light in her eyes. And when that light went out it devastated and destroyed you. It was a storm and storms are always destructive in nature. She never had a chance. Delaney didn’t survive it, your marriage didn’t survive it, Harrison’s relationship with the sweet OB ended and you cut off everyone you ever knew. Passively tell him Harrison was the gnat that wouldn’t fly to other fruit as you put the ring back in its little pocket. You don’t have to tell him how hard it was to rise from your sheet barren mattress after this. You can assume he knows. It took time and strength you borrowed. It took you making impossible accusations and then promises to yourself. If you can bare anymore at this time you will laugh when you tell him that at first it was fleeting fantasies, the illegalities that you had come to be involved in – they were in your mind which at that point wasn’t a safe space for anybody but the absurdness of the plans you would make in your head made you smile when your smiles had abandoned you. Let him know about the click – it will help tie it in a bow for him – many people need the click. The moment it all came together and became real. You could not strive to be a mother anymore – You were no longer one but you could make a small move to make it right. A small move in the grand scheme of things that would cost lots and lots of money.And when you lift your face to see his crushed expression tell him that her favorite color was green but her favorite sight to see were the sunflowers. Your eyes will dance when you say this and its ok, dances and dreams often mingle. Do not belch when you tell him that tequila is not a great drink for a first date but do nod when you say that one day you will own a large lot of land where you will plant an obscene amount of sunflowers. Once they have solidified their promise of annual return you will sprinkle her ashes there to be with them, where she can come back to you, always. 

New Year’s resolutions had begun to die down. The tone had become more of “accept that you are great” than the “push to be the best you” it had been at the start of the year. Few were wanting to submit to their New Year commitments any longer. The sun was being a little less lazy and with March snow days came less and less frequent. Calls and texts from Dwight began to follow the same pattern. Jade was there to help ease the pain of feeling rejected and butter pecan ice cream helped as well. She had a couple new texting buddies, courtesy of Jade and couldn’t help but feel like she was being prostituted out. Not one of these gentlemen, for lack of a better term, had asked her out on a date or invited her anywhere nice. Everyone just wanted to chill, whatever that entailed. The ones who did invite her places didn’t pique her interest in the least. She couldn’t put her finger on why she seemed to only want Dwight when he did so little for her goals or self-esteem. He never did fit right into her plan and he made it clear as mud she didn’t fit into his. Still, she convinced herself that he had this wisdom that she could soak up and this way about him that made her feel secure. There was a time that he kept a smile on her face but that had long been replaced with thoughts of confusion and emptiness.

Jade handed Natalie a burger king cup that smelled like a distillery as she pulled away from the cracked curb. She took a huge gulp, her face forming an awful grimace, and braced herself before she did it again.

“He was regular at best and you treat him like he was a king or some shit,” Jade said while exhaling smoke and cutting her eyes at Nat. Jade hated that Dwight wouldn’t even call Natalie his girlfriend and she hated that she treated him like he was her husband only to get dissed in the end. Natalie often wondered how Jade would react if she was privy to the full story! Jade just got the overflow that Natalie couldn’t keep contained once she would get fed up.

The comedy relief came from Travis. It was no surprise that Jade didn’t like him in the beginning either and regretted pushing his phone number on her that night. She felt like Travis didn’t want anything tangible and at the end Natalie would be left feeling like less than the wet condom that he leaves behind, assuming she was wise enough to use one.

“Honey, know your worth!”

Still, despite Jade’s protests she always answered when Travis called even if it wasn’t for anything more than to play hard to get.

“Why don’t you come out here and see me? Nat you know I’ve been wanting to see you.” He would often flirt.

“Why don’t you ever want to see me during the day when you are sober?” she inquired. She didn’t know if she really wanted this or if it just sounded good. Shooting the breeze with him on the phone was actually enough for her. No commitment, no expectations, no lies or broken hearts.

Still, she liked to paint an allusion of this girl who wanted more, in reality, she would take whatever it was he was offering and probably be fine with it. She just loved the attention she got from him. She had grown quite accustomed to speaking with Travis on the phone every other night or so. His conversation wasn’t that bad when he was sober, however, when he was drunk it seemed his only goal in life was to be a phone sex operator. She couldn’t deny the fact that he definitely had a way with words.

She questioned him, on more than one occasion, on why he liked to call her and not his girlfriend. Up until this point he always gave what she considered bullshit answers. Blaming the phone towers for not completing his calls, telling her that his girlfriend would want him to call her, joking that they were looking for a third wheel for their dates. Their friendship felt organic.

“Forreal, every time I call you I have already called her at least twice” “Ah, so I am second! I always thought we had something special!” she joked.

They would usually laugh it off although Natalie did feel a tinge guilty for entertaining the conversation of someone’s man late at night. She would usually make herself feel better by reminding herself that she had not seen him since the bar and had no plans of taking him up on any of his offers. He was her friend. It was this closeness that made Natalie feel justified in giving him advice regarding his relationship.

“What’s your end game?”
“What?” Travis asked, caught off guard.
“You don’t have to tell me but you have to figure it out so that you’ll know. Then you need to let that girl go live her life while you do everything in your power to get to your end game.”
Travis explained to her that he and his girlfriend rarely had conversations anymore, it was more of a check-in process.
“Hey. What you doing?”
“Nothing, what you doing?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh…” Silence.

It reminded Natalie of her own check-in process with Dwight. She had given Travis a light overview of what was going on in her love life and how she was thinking that she would just walk away.

“Listen, I’m a man so I know how they think and I’m telling you, Nat, he only still calls cause he like what you given out. But he is not interested in you as a person. I’m not saying he doesn’t care about you but not the way you probably would want someone to care about you.”

The advice stung coming from Travis but it also felt authentic. Receiving that advice from a guy she had only laid eyes on a couple times put her in a different mood. Jade bringing light to the situation was one thing but when Travis mentioned it the situation just made her look sad.

“Hey, I’m about to go to bed you know I have to be at work in the morning. What are you getting into tomorrow?”
“I’m headed out past your way to find a couple good spots to go fishing. You should come with me this time.”
“I don’t even know why I asked. I know you are out on the lake the beginning of every month.” She laughed.
“You know it! For real, think about meeting me. I’m going to think about some things you said too. And let that lame ass go – you deserve better. Night.” He disconnected the call without waiting for her reply.

Had Travis been in her apartment having this conversation with her then her surprise would have been apparent. That was the first time he had ever really asked to do something with her during the day and seemed serious. Unfortunately, she had work the next day so she knew she wouldn’t be able to make it. The last thing she would want to do is to deter him from asking her to go anywhere else with him. The whole fiasco sounded like it could be great fun but she could not jeopardize her job. She also wasn’t completely ok with heading out to be with someone else’s boyfriend.

Thirty minutes had passed and she was still seated in the middle of her bed overthinking the situation. She called Travis back to tell him why she couldn’t make it and like their conversations often did they went off topic. The quick phone call had turned into an hour without Natalie fully noticing.

“I used to go out on the lake with my pops too. I would spend every summer up here with him. And fishing would be the biggest part of the summer. I rarely ever caught anything but that one on one time with ya pops is priceless. You know what I mean?”

She knew exactly what he meant. And though she knew it was dangerous to enjoy speaking with Travis every night it had become expected. But the guilt was still present. And often when she would disconnect the line she would try once more to reach out to the one who was losing more and more of her heart. Dwight rarely ever answered.

Pulling up to the curb she noticed a small framed woman resting on the stoop. She wore a dark green coat that remained open, showing off her latest investments. They seemed just a bit too big for her petite figure. She possessed an extraordinarily light complexion framed by huge fiery red colored curls. A closer look betrayed the fact that her grey eyes were outlined with black eyeliner from the day before and her once red lips were pinker today, begging for a reapplication.

“You changed your hair again,” Natalie said to her, eyes straight ahead, walking past to unlock the door. “It has been red for three months,” she replied.

Natalie removed her boots at the door, walked into the kitchen and began rummaging through her cabinets above the sink. She was hoping she still had a bottle of anything with a greater alcohol content than the warm, cheap, sweet red wine sitting in the middle of her table.

“Coffee? Tea? Water?” she asked her unexpected guest as she poured herself a shot of Crown Royal. “No thanks,” she said as she dropped her purse beside one of the kitchen stools at the bar and sat down. Natalie noticed that Treasure had not removed her coat and wondered if it was a sign that her thermostat wasn’t high enough or that she didn’t plan to stay too long. She was hoping for the latter to be true.

“I’m headed to the bathroom.” She yelled behind her without breaking stride.

“You still seeing Dwight?”
“As often as I can.” She sighed, half smiling.
“So… not very often.” Treasure implied.
“As often as I can.” She nodded.

Chapter 3

By noon Dwight’s mood swings were in full effect and his text messages seemed to be coming from more than one individual. Dwight’s personality A wanted Natalie to forgive him for any and all things he had done during this sixty some odd day relationship to hurt her. Dwight’s personality B wanted her to ‘live ya life girl don’t wait for me!’ Natalie was just an emotional wreck and found it hard to focus on her secretarial duties for the remainder of her shift. On top of the chaos she had a headache and an upset stomach. By lunchtime, she was texting random coworkers who were quite possibly resting at home to see if she could find a replacement. 

Upon hearing the common chirp she once again pulled out her iPhone and was relieved to see that this time it was, in fact, her phone that went off and not one of her other coworkers. iPhone issues, she thought to herself. When she picked up her phone she found it wasn’t someone to cover her shift,  it was just Jade checking on her. 

She glanced over at the four beds in front of her behind the glass. Her patients were fast asleep so she called Jade to blame her for not being able to keep any food down. They laughed and talked. Natalie’s goal was to convince Jade that she wasn’t as stressed out about her situation. Natalie did not want to tell Jade the redundant story of the text messages but it was evident in her tone that something was wrong. Jade’s advice any and every time was to leave him alone. Send him packing. Natalie believed that Jade didn’t understand the whole easier said than done cliché. They dealt with guys in distinct ways. If a guy crossed Jade he’d do good to join a witness protection program. Despite Natalie’s efforts, Jade was still able to coerce the truth out of her. 

“You deserve so much better Nat,” Jade informed her best friend, and not for the first time either. 

“Yea I know,” she replied with tears threatening to fall once again. 

Natalie checked her watch as she sat talking to Jade who was still trying to console her 

yet some of what she had to say was as cold as the newly fallen snow outside. That should have been no surprise since they were exiting the lips of the ice queen herself. 

“Listen, honey, you know I’m gone tell you how it is… You can’t keep blaming just Dwight. If you allow a man to screw you without a title you are in essence screwing yourself honey. You know that. What you think he’ll come around?” She went on.

“But…”

“He won’t honey,” Jade answered, her Jersey accent in full effect, “He just won’t. You two are more on again off again than that damn light post by your house! And that’s real honey!”

Just as it was starting to feel like time was on strike and just when she thought she 

wouldn’t make it to the end of her shift relief came in and she was free to go.

Nine o’clock came and Natalie was awakened by her cellphone ringing. Shit. She was late for work but when she tried to get up it was like a construction site was taking place in her head. She answered the phone on the fourth ring. 

“Hm Hello.” She cleared her throat. 

“Damn,” came the deep voice from the other end of the phone “you sound like you had testosterone shots for breakfast, I was going to offer some pancakes but…”

Natalie took her phone away from her ear to give the number another glance. She still did not recognize it. 

“Who is this?!”

“Damn Ms. Redbottoms forgot me already.” She then vaguely recognized the voice as belonging to Travis, the guy she had only met last night. She contemplated just hanging up but didn’t want to be rude. 

“Shut up. I’m late I’ll have to talk to you later.”

“Cool, I won’t hold you up. Have a good one pretty lady.”

Natalie rolled off the couch and ran into the bathroom. She rushed to get showered, applied lotion sparingly, and got dressed. She barely had enough time to fix up the messy bun she wore out last night before jetting to the front entrance to grab her keys. She did one last check in the mirror and ran out the door. After putting on her seatbelt and putting the car in reverse she returned it to park as she realized she forgot her cell phone inside. She sprinted back through her front door. It didn’t take her long to locate her phone as it was lit up on the side table. She swiped the screen of her iPhone down and realized she had missed quite a bit of messeges from Dwight. She read over them quickly even though she knew it would just throw her further behind. 

<Dwight> I miss you 

Blah blah blah, she thought

<Dwight> Sorry for being an asshole 

Yadda yadda yadda.

There was one voice message in the mix that she could barely make out.  Something about being a sweet girl and not deserving of the fuckery.

Ok ok ok. She glanced at the clock on the wall and sped up the pace.

<Dwight>  I’m dealing with a lot please answer me.  

He’s dealing with a lot? What about what I am dealing with because of him, she thought.

<Dwight> I’ll make it up to you. 

<It is my fault for letting this go so deep.>

<I wish I would have met you at another time. >

<This is the happiest I’ve been in months.>

You just don’t understand what I’m going through. 

The texts were sent individually causing a chain of messages in Natalie’s phone. 

I swear 44 is entirely too old to be playing these type of games, Natalie thought, deciding not to text back right away.

Included in the text messages was a music link. She decided to hook her phone up to the radio and play the link in the car. It was a Bruno Mars song, ‘If I Knew’, and she knew the song well. 

Finally in the car, tears threatened to dampen her cheeks as she got lost in thought at a red light. She was thinking of the first time she heard the song in Dwight’s presence. It meant next to nothing to her then, playing softly in the background of the studio where he instructed art courses and occasionally hosted events. She remembered every inch of her body, including her vagina, being covered in goosebumps as twenty pairs of eyes dissected her nudity. The fan was always on its job, blowing briskly overhead. It never did take long for her nipples to come out and greet everyone in attendance. The good old days, she thought to herself turning onto the highway, trying to focus on her drive and simultaneously become lost in her memories. Sometimes she would lay with her head resting on top of one arm and the other bent slightly over her head, so Rose Dawson of her. Other times she would stand, arms crossed vertically over her small breast barely hiding the nipple, her hands meeting right between her thighs c concealing her genitalia.  

She would lay stone still, as instructed, her thighs pressed firmly together, nervously awaiting the alarm to sound. The fifteen minute poses always felt like sixty. Every now and then she would catch Dwight’s eyes lingering on her as he walked around, coffee cup in hand, assisting various students in the class. Occasionally, after their relationship began to flirt with informality,  he would throw her a wink, a crazy face here and there that would no doubt throw the students off should they ever catch glimpse of it. They never did. 

She signaled to get over into the right fast lane and let her mind wander some more. She remembered the first time she was brave enough to take him up on his constant invites to join him after class. She always dressed behind the wall divider at the back of the classroom near the tall brown door. Because of the nature of the class, the doors were built really tall where the window to allow light in was at least 8 feet from the ground. She always knew when the room was completely empty because she would hear the heaviness of the door as it forced its weight inside the frame. It never took her more than a few seconds to slip the short maxi dresses over her head. Still, she would wait, slightly impatient, while others tried to soak up a little more of Dwight’s attention.  Then she would slip out, fully dressed and they would laugh for hours behind the locked door protecting them from others. She smiled just thinking about it. 

She remembered the extremely long day of specials class. It was one of the one-day classes they held for couples or people that were not taking the course but just wanted to get away and have a good time doing something different. This particular session was one in which her assignment was to wear latex paint. When she arrived, she was both surprised and elated to find Dwight would be the artist to apply the paint to her while guests mingled and were lead to their seat by the hostess.  The poses that day were all short and sweet. The many backgrounds they had spent sunrises to sunsets creating made the session even more imaginative and, Natalie would argue, successful. The post surveys revealed that attendees were highly satisfied with the class and the words “I got my money’s worth” was written verbatim quite a few times. Some bought gift certificates for their loved ones afterwards. Dwight made more money from this session then he had made during the whole eight-week course. After everyone cleared out they spent the rest of the time dancing to music and celebrating as they cleaned the room up. She remembered him requesting that she return to model for him again when he taught the class as an expedited three-week session. She agreed. He asked if they could get together the following night for drinks. She excitedly agreed to this as well. She could still feel the excitement that took over her body knowing she would not have to wait too long to be back in his presence. 

Pulling into the parking lot she was reminded how quickly the honeymoon phase of their relationship lasted and the exact moment things got real. Their dates were fun for a while and then the first class of the new session came along. She remembered cleaning up the classroom after that heavy door closed. She welcomed the memory of sitting on the counter as Dwight’s hand ran up the side of her body, slowly over her breast and seductively up the side of her neck as he pulled her into a kiss. Pulling away he tilted his head to nibble and suck on her neck as she stared at the ceiling trying to will him inside of her. While his cologne fornicated with her senses he caressed her backside, he caressed her front side and as she sat on that counter he slid his right hand in-between her thighs ever so slow. He kept traveling until his index finger was close enough to feel the heat from the fiery want burning between her legs. A tad bit more and he had softly touched her clitoris. The suspense had built up enough tension to make her want to scream and she gasped when they connected.  She enjoyed the feeling of what she had always known, that his hands were talented beyond reason. She’ll never forget how he felt so right inside her that first night. The sense of urgency was slightly heightened due to the expectancy of the cleaning crew. Her adrenaline used to pump whenever she thought of it. Now, walking into the emergency room to clock in, her muscle memory in her heart wasn’t the only placed that ached.

The anecdote is hurt, its pain, its raw dog hitting rock bottom to the point you feel you’re too ugly to be loved, too nasty to be touched, and not deserving enough to die.

Chapter 1

The club was dimly lit and you could feel the vibe. The harsh lyrics were perfect for the way Natalie was feeling, rough and vulgar. She decided to keep the good feeling going and ordered two shots of Ciroc, higher priced vodka, and a cranberry flavored energy drink to chase them with. The bartender wasn’t able to set the shots down before Natalie reached out for them, grabbed them out of her hand in midair, and threw one back. The next shot wasn’t far behind. She set the shot glasses, stained with her ruby red lipstick, on the bar. With a smile and warmth crusading through her body, she dialed back a bit and asked for a salted caramel martini. 

“Sorry we’re out of Caramel vodka, want anything else?” the bartender asked.

She brushed a few stray hairs out from in front of her glassy eyes and stammered, 

“Ummm Yea… do me a…. Ummm…” she squinted while reading the drink meny propped up in front of her before replying, “What do you suggest?”

“I got you,” the bartender replied, winking. “Trust me.”

She told her the name of the drink but Natalie barely heard her. Along with the loud music blaring from every direction there was a better distraction around.  The sight before her made her hearing sense take backseat as her sense of sight took over. 

“I’m going to order me a drink, you drinking with me?” The distraction said. 

He possessed a voice that ran deep and sat in your soul after he left. Very Dennis Haybert-ish leaving Natalie to believe she would be in good hands, at least parts of her would be. She enjoyed the bass in his voice more than the words. Finally she jumped in to end the one way conversation.

“I’m just waiting on my friend,” Natalie said while regaining her cool wishing, just a little, that she would have specified that she was waiting on a female friend. 

“I’ll buy youa drink but I ain’t buying a drink for you and all your lonely ass friends.” He smiled a perfect smile. 

“Who says my friends are lonely?” she played along. 

“I’m kiddin’… mostly.”, he leaned in and said into her ear. .  “What’s your name?” he asked, while still standing.

“Natalie. My friends call me Nat. Might I ask yours.” She tilted her head to the side and seductively stared into his eyes, awaiting his response. 

“Nope,” he smirked and turned away from her waving the bartender over and winking at Natalie. She watched as his long black eyelashes seemed to be moving in slow motion. He handed a twenty-dollar bill over to the bartender and walked away, his grin big as the room they were in, his dimples deep enough to stretch out and bathe in. 

The smooth chocolate fella’s scent followed slowly behind enjoying the pleasure of teasing her. She crossed her legs and watched him until he was out of sight. On cue, the bartender was back. In her hands she carried not one, but two drinks. It was a good thing too,  alcohol made Natalie bold. 

“Mmm! Smells gooooood! What is this?” Natalie asked, bringing the glass to her nose.

“It’s the chocolate covered pretzel.” Said the bartender. She spoke loudly trying to be heard over the music accustomed to repeating herself to the crowd she serviced. 

“Oh ok. Thanks,” she grabbed for the drink and enjoyed a sip, sucking the course salt off the rim of the glass.  “But I think I’ll only need one of em.” 

“The guy you were speaking to bought you two of them. He also left his number for me to give to you.”

Natalie raised her eyebrows in surprise and then laughed. 

“No,” Natalie said laughing and shaking her head. She was beginning to feel a bit wavy. “That’s okay but I’ll take the drinks, Bottoms up right?” she laughed some more. 

“She will take his number!” Jade rejoined Natalie and gave her the eye. If Natalie noticed she didn’t let on.  After the bartender scribbled the gentleman’s number down she handed over the paper and pocketed the twenty. 

The girls tried to stay together as they navigated the sea of drunk dancers. It was hard to have a conversation because of the loud music but of course they tried anyway. Jade told Natalie that she doesn’t think the nameless guy who bought the drinks looked that great but then again guys who wore dreads weren’t really her thing. That was however Natalie’s weakness. She assumed he was younger, twenty-five maybe and he probably wasn’t worth much time. One priceless gift he possessed was the ability to provide a pleasant distraction. Right now, however, the dance that was raging inside of Natalie was enough. Dwight was farthest from her mind. A few other men attempted to talk to her as well. But the vast majority of the guys flocked to Jade. They had no idea what they were getting into. After a drink or two on their dime Jade was quick to evoke disappointment. Natalie worried sometimes when this took place. Angry drunken men were not the easiest to diffuse. Jade, on the other hand, had always been fearless. 

Before the DJ could shout last call they began searching for an exit. Stumbling by the door, Natalie handed Jade her small purse and began the unsnapping and unzipping process of removing her heels. Jade stood by tapping the purse against her leg. 

“Red bottoms,” came a smooth baritone voice from the club, “Or should I call you Nat? You said that’s what your friend’s call you? I can be your friend if need be, pretty lady.” 

He stood at least a foot over Natalie as he entered her space. 

“I can at least be your friend for the night…” He said.

Natalie looked at Jade as if second guessing taking the guy’s phone number, she was not impressed.  Handsome? Yes. Tactful? Not quite. Still, he seemed to be a bit entertaining so the goal was being met. 

“You sir can call me Natalie, Mr. no name! Or should I just call you Mr. dimples?” she drunkenly replied. 

He chuckled, quite intoxicated himself. 

“You can call me Travis shorty. Come over here and talk to me,” he said, already in route to one of the tables stationed outside the nightclub.  “the night don’t have to end just because the music did… come talk to me.” 

Heels in hand she sloppily walked over, ignoring Jade’s face of disgust and the fact that she already dug her car key out of her purse. They still had a couple blocks before they would reach the parking lot where Jade’s vehicle was parked.

Cars whirled by them as Natalie and Travis continued their back and forth banter, name calling and discussing what they usually do after a night out. Natalie let him know she was not usually a part of the night scene. She looked around to make sure that Jade was out of earshot before telling Travis that she wasn’t exactly single. She was just not being understood and want quite understanding of her boyfriend and their situation at the time. She called Dwight her boyfriend for lack of a better term, she did not tell Travis this. He informed her that he wasn’t exactly a seasoned vet of this area but had relocated just recently and was checking out Cleveland’s nightlife. So far he had not been disappointed. 

“Come hang out at my place and I’ll drop you off to your car or house or whatever later.” He grinned as if it was required to finish the sentence, as if it were punctuation. 

“Dude I live an hour west of here!” she replied. 

“So.”

“What you mean so?”, Natalie laughed before adding “and what would Jade do?”

“Yea, she don’t look like she would want to be a part of this.” He joked some more.

He told her that he has a townhome he is renting. It is in Willoughby hills, about twenty minutes in the opposite direction. He promised that if she decided to come over she could go home whenever she was ready, the time meant nothing to him.  

“Mmmhmm and what would your girlfriend think of that?” Jade interjected, obviously not as far removed as Natalie originally thought. 

“She would probably be a little pissed but you let me handle that,” he winked at her.

Her eyes grew wide and her face must have drastically changed because that dimple came out to greet her as he laughed away at her. Her face softened, still not sure if he was serious or not but beginning to shake from the wind-chill effect. In Cleveland, it could be fifty degrees and still feel like it was negative fifty. The alcohol was beginning to wear off so it was important that they make it to the car.

“Have a good night.” Natalie teased, that same sloppy smile planted on her face. She got up to leave and yelled behind her, “Don’t get in no trouble.”

“I’m gone call it a night shorty.” Travis said.

“Natalie…” she abruptly, but playfully, corrected him as she turned to look at him. Jade continued to walk. 

Natalie, he mouthed. “Gimme your number because I think your friend is going to go without you if you talk to me much longer.”

Natalie dug in her purse but couldn’t find a pen. She scribbled it on an old Walmart receipt with her eyeliner. Travis was going in to kiss Natalie on her check and caught her lips instead. Though very awkward and unsolicited Natalie let it happen and didn’t speak on it just nervously smiled and walked away. 

“That was gross! You don’t know him. He could have just given you Mono!” Jade continued her rant all the way to the car. Natalie didn’t even realize Jade was close enough to see what had happened. Furthermore she did not  know why she let it happen but it made her smile as she thought about it. Dropping her off, Jade handed her some Advil and instructed her to take them now with a cup of coffee before lying down. 

“Oh and your nasty ass can’t drink after me anymore,” Jade yelled before rolling up her window and driving off. She made sure to keep watch in her rearview mirror to make sure Natalie did make it inside. 

Natalie waived her off and stumbled up her stairs, through her door and off to dreamland. 

I expressed before I left 
That love would miss me
While I was gone
What I didn’t anticipate
Was missing love…
 
I reminisce on times
As fine as old wine
That I with
Tear smeared eyes
Places behind me
I vowed then
As I can recall
That it would be a while
Before I returned
In hopes that at that time I would stay
Perhaps forever …
 
Love recognizes me
 
Yet I seem as a distant cousin
To whom she knew before
You see I have gracefully
Matured
 
We speak
 
She recalls times I
Had gotten her mistaken
Painfully taken aback buu the lies I was told
Famous over reactions
Tragic tactics took hold
Of my mind…
 
I reveal to her my new
Self-love and compassion
I unveil for her
This new strength
That prohibits e from wallowing
In that unbearable state again
Where lust masquerades as love
Or comes solely
From one end…
 
She opens an album
 
Portrayed is me being selfish
I remember pain pushing me
To vindictive and possessive
Ways
She had me confused and twisted I remember saying "baby
My love is unconditional"
But it had conditions
I remembered the countless uneducated
Decisions
And I
Chuckle
While fooling with the consequence
Of young love
It’s a wonder I'm still living
 
Love looks longingly at me
Eyes wide open  I 
See I owe her an apology
A lot of regrets I blamed on her
Could actually be credited
To stupidity
And countless other entities
When I stuck it out
Seeking bare minimum contentment
Only to crash head on with
Resentment
When he balled up his fist to prove a point
And I used an open hand
To prove another
When I though it was love
That buried
My voice six feet under
When I walked away
Fro that catastrophic disaster
Claiming it would be
An icy summer
Before I ever gave my heart to another
 
I am sorry
 
But
 
You know firsthand
The disposition of my situation
Wasn't sunny
I felt taken
My Jon left nightmares and scars
In lieu of money
I tried to confess to you
But my tongue was still healing
From constantly being bitten
My heart needed to recoup
From being used and misused
And here I am once again
But now
I have thrown malice and hatred
To the wind
 
Love,
You'll be proud to know
I'm back on track
I know you've missed me
I know our quick
Low profile visits
Don't provide you with
The fulfillment you so truly need
I'm here to reinstate that
Faith you once had in me
In hopes of proving
I am once again worthy
Of you
 
My new knowledge
Has give me a different vision
And wisdom
From my past memories
Has me privy to explore
This new position
And now
Love
That naïve girl you knew is no more
You see
She has gracefully matured
 
And I knew long before I left
That love would miss me
While I was gone
What I didn’t anticipate
Was missing love
 
 

Read Seasons of Lies a short fictional piece, here. It will be posted on Monday  2-18-19. Read more about it below…

Natalie is sure that Dwight is who is she is meant to be with. He is funny and their conversations feed her soul. Those accidental romances are the best. But the deeper in her life that Dwight dives the more evident it is that she is just a guest star in his. With a warped sense of taking things slow and not much experience with relationships, Natalie reaches out to her sassy quick on her feet friend Jade who tells her something she should already know  – not exclusive means not exclusive. Its time to branch out and see what real love is or at least real fun. Natalie is surprised to find the positive power this new outlook can have on her life. But when Dwight finds himself in trouble she has to decide if she is going to be loyal to her own hearts desires or fall back into the never-ending cycle of being on call for her ex-boss. IS Natalie the type that can kick a man when he is down? When catastrophic news surfaces will she be able to make it out of this situation alive? It may just depend on which Season of Lies she is currently tuned into.

Develop a character you can learn something from. I am personally in love with everything self-inventive and goal-related and knowledge seeking. It is so true that we totally don’t know what it is that we do not know. I think knowledge is phenomenal and it definitely is power and thus powerful! That being said it is rather difficult to set out time to learn something new every day. Grouping is a great way to get a lot done at once — its like focused multitasking if you will. If you choose characters that have some ways or know to or know how about something you don’t it becomes a “two birds one stone” type of endeavor. You develop your character, hopefully, this moves your story forward, it reconfirms what you knew all along (Uh that you’re a boss doing boss things duh) and gets you back on the availability list for new knowledge. It’s right along the lines of that saying that goes “If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room.” Sometimes as writers our characters ARE who we are spending the most time with. I know it is starting to sound a little weird and antisocial but stick it out with me for a sec. Sometimes you have to ask that character questions to see who she/he really is. I have started a few stories where my character just did not turn out to be who I thought she would and in getting to know her I learned some new things. Kinda like meeting a new person for the first time and being fascinated by what they were able to teach you. There is some truth to having to write about what you know but you can make it so you know more tomorrow than you did yesterday and that’s growth. See, didn’t even have to pay a million dollars for a course.