Left at the Alter

The more I told myself to end things with Elijah, the more he seemed to come around. He would slip in so quietly at first, almost mouse like, careful to not be found out. Java drop-off on his way to work. Sly pop up to ask me out on a date in person. One night he asked me what is something small that would have great meaning. I mentioned an awesome experience I had with pumpkin cheesecake and a couple books on my wish list. I told him about my love for biographies. For lunch the next day he dropped off a pumpkin cheesecake, enough to share, and Michelle Obama’s hard cover book “Becoming.” Of course, when I called him to thank him, he was in the area and stopped by to enjoy some of the Pumpkin cheesecake with me.

He tried to be cautious with my time, but it was hard to tell him no if he wanted to stop by. When Marla began to notice I knew what I had to do. I pulled out my calendar and circled Sunday’s date. I sent him a quick SMS asking him to meet me for dinner on Sunday and informing him that I would be unavailable until then. I don’t know at what point Elijah became my boyfriend, but I knew I had to break it off. This opportunity is what we had prayed for and it would be a slap in God’s face to not give it my all after my years of bowed heads and bruised knees. If I had to sacrifice my personal life to get to greatness that was ok with me.

---

I expected to not hear from Eli for the next few days, but I received a Good Morning text daily and a few others.  

<Hey what’s up?>

<Just checking in.>

< Let me know if you need something.>

< Have a good day.> 

That Wednesday he also sent a text as something came across his news feed pertaining to a certain sculptor I respected. Friday evening, he dropped by to drop off dinner. He had cooked. Lasagna and Garlic bread sticks. He even brought a salad. He stayed long enough to update me on the people on the list for next week’s one on one sessions that he had referred. I thought that he was going to try to stay but he said when it was time to work it was time to work. Kiss on my forehead and he was out the door. 

Within 2 minutes he was back inside, had left his wallet. 

“What do I owe you for all of the referrals?” I jokingly asked when he headed for the door again. 

“I want a point.” He said after a noticeable hesitation. 

“A point?”

“How many have I sent?”

“About 15 or 16, I can check if your serious.”

“Yea, check, but not right now. I want a point for anyone I send this way and when I hit 100 points, I want you to go out of town with me.”

I opened my mouth but was cut off before I could say what he obviously knew I was going to say. 

“I’m patient. After you are finished with your big project we can go. I can wait.”

It was my turn to hesitate. 

“You know with women like me there is always another project. I don’t do relationships because of my projects. I was thinking I would settle down somewhere around age 80.” Wine sometimes made me speak the commentary that I would normally just keep to myself.

Elijah got up and put his glass on the table and I felt a twinge in my stomach that I was not used to. I felt like Elijah was about to leave and I didn’t want him too. I knew I needed him too. This is what they mean when they say the truth will set you free. Time is so important, so unbelievably precious. You don’t want to waste anyone else’s time and you want to make sure that you protect yours. You run the risk of losing an Elijah, but I would rather lose him than lose myself.

“Why do you think that you have to choose?”

“I don’t want to offend you. And I don’t want to discuss it. I was just stating a fact.”

“Not easily offended. I’m a little saddened that your past has taught you that you can have a great partner OR a great career. You can have both Cass. With a grown, sure, intentional man, you can have both.”

With words that I’m sure had the full embodiment of honey I no longer wanted to say what I was thinking. I did so anyway. 

 “It has been my experience that men don’t do well with women who can’t make their lives revolve around them. The alone time is ok in the beginning but then attention that I give to my projects become time that you’ll want to claim as your own. Fuck everything I’m trying to work hard for.”

“Ok. You make sure they know that in the beginning. Also, a regular 9-5 man may not understand someone who works from 9-5 and then again from 5-9, and into the wee hours. Some men understand that the wee hours are for creatives, some men understand how to support a woman when she is riding the creative wave.”

“Oh yea – you’ve dated creatives before? You understand the creative wave?” I teased his attempt to try to level with me.

“It has been my experience that women who are left to ride their creative wave get very excited and all the excitement that is stored is used to ride something else when they get home.” 

 “Just nasty. That’s where your mind is.” I chuckled. He had successfully broken up the tension and derailed me. 

 “My mind is anywhere it needs to be to keep you laughing.” 

It worked, I did laugh, and I scrambled hard to keep my falling guard up. Elijah was breaking through every chance he got. We did not make it to our breakup dinner that Sunday.