Left at the Alter

There wasn’t anything better than that feeling of bringing something into being. You appreciate what’s there, you appreciate and marvel at what you made but it can’t make you feel as good as when you were creating it. No, that feeling was captivating, that feeling shook your soul, but that feeling of creating was always fleeting. It was strong and intoxicating but short lived until you finished and began to create something else. The thought of it all was making me nauseated. That Is how I knew I loved Eli because the thought of doing something to hurt him nauseated me. Art was a constant, it may take on many forms, but it would always be art. 

Eli pulled into a long driveway that wrapped around to the back of a two-story brick home with Dark Red shutters. I knew it well but was confused on why we would be here now. A month or so ago Eli and I had participated in an open house and toured the home. We actually looked at this one five times.  In our short time house shopping this is the only house that caught my eye. I remember telling him that this was the house I wanted to raise my family in. There was a small sunroom on the first level in the back that overlooked a huge pond. I said that this would be where I worked when I was creating from home.  After a few weeks of looking we had a discussion and decided that we would wait until we were already married to purchase a home together. Even though we stopped looking we received notification when a house that we had been interested in was no longer available. I received a notification for this one and was a little heartbroken. 

“Either you thought another walk through of this perfect, but completely unavailable, house would cheer me up or you…”

“Bought a house based solely on the fact that my fiancé was in love with it.”

“You bought my dream house.” I said half joking. When he kept smiling and used his key to get in it all became real. 

We walked in and the living room was now vacant – no longer staged for selling. I was so in love with this house. My mind instantly went to the huge sunroom. I would fill it with plants and masterpieces. I would record videos for live classes in there and decorate it in rose gold and green. There would be plants hanging in the corners. 

I turned and looked behind me as Eli watched me die from sheer excitement. 

“You bought my dream house. No one has ever…”

“No one has ever got you to say yes to marriage either right.”

I laughed. I ran through the house looking into the rooms. The master bedroom was partially furnished, and I realized he had been sleeping here. 

“You come here some nights.”

“Here lately you have been requiring more space than usual. I’m not tripping. While you doing what you need to do, I was painting some of the rooms. I know it can feel like you are doing a lot of this on your own. I want you to know I have your back and I listen to you. It’s cool. You don’t have to worry about me when you get in your zone. I have shit too. I ain’t like the rest of them. I have shit I need alone time for. At the end of the day when we get a second, we can come back to this beautiful house and just be Cass and Eli. I have a feeling with all of the interviews coming in you are going to need this space. And I thought you could use something positive tonight.”

“This is more than beautiful. This is everything.”

“This is everything?” he mocked, “I also started on that deck.” He said in his play aggressive voice and I kissed him right on the lips. 

I was overwhelmed. This was the best gift anyone has given to me – right up there with my space. It made it really hard to be completely honest with him though. I wanted to tell him about the feelings I had been having. Feelings that made me question whether we were headed down the right path. But the way I felt right now, none of that mattered. All that mattered was this and how I felt right now. I could deal with those feelings in another way. I couldn’t possible love Jeremy and feel the way I felt right now. I think that all of these months being with this fine ass man, fine in more ways than one, and not touching him just built up so much sexual tension. I don’t know how I was able to finish my piece with so much tension. Then I meet Jeremy who is fine and also exists in this dope vibe and began to confuse emotions. 

I could not continue to allow that to happen. I could not continue to let my sexual frustration leak into other areas of my life and cause this kind of confusion and discontent. 

I walked over to the bed and took a seat and a deep exhale. I had a plan and I always followed my plan. Except I just completed the biggest piece of my career and the exposure has been crazy. I was tired of waiting for my release. 

“Come here.”

When he was in front of me, I stood and stared in his eyes. There was no question that I loved this man. The question was how much, and we would have the rest of our lives together to figure that out. 

I put my lips on his and just held It there. When he began to ease his tongue in, I followed his lead. When he began to back away, when it became too much, I wouldn’t let him go. He tried again to break free from my kisses. I could see that I had woke something up inside of him that he was trying to fight. 

“Cass I ain’t gone be able to walk away in a minute. We are getting married next week. We can wait or we can…”

I nodded.