Left at the Alter

“Oh shit.” 

“You good Cass?”

I nodded with my head down trying to avoid him being able to see anything in my eyes.  

I walked in and found the cheese tray and built my plate off of that.

The night went on and I had a genuinely good time. We played spades when people began to clear out. I walked past Jeremy to get the buffalo chicken dip and I winked. He smirked and looked away. I chuckled to myself but when I saw Eli at the table, I felt guilty again. 

This was flirtatious behavior and I am just out here like I don’t have a whole man right here with me. I didn’t know why I was acting up, but I knew I was about to get myself all the way in check. I had to walk past him to get back to my seat and when I did, he grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to whisper in my ear, “You better quit playing with me. I’ll fuck the shit out you right now.”

I knew I couldn’t hide my expression, so I walked away and then up the stairs to be out of everyone’s sites. Eli was waiting right before I hit the corner.        

“You having a good time? You are grinning like a Cheshire cat”

I laughed and tried to make it seem as real as possible. 

“I’m having a great time thank you.”

I glanced behind me and Jeremy hadn’t moved, was still looking at me. It was like he didn’t care that there were a million people in the room or maybe that is what turned him on most. Jeremy joked a lot, but I believe him I believe he doesn’t care about who he would hurt or disrupt – I believe he would fuck me right now given the chance and I was upset at myself for the rising level of excitement inside of me. 

“Cass?”

“Hmm?” I snapped out of my thoughts and focused on Eli. 

“You sure your good, you look like you zoning.”

“Yea, no… I’m good.” 

“Cassidy Nicole.” He bent down some so he could look me in the eye, “are you high?”

I just looked at him. Didn’t smile or look away, just looked at him. I don’t know why the man I was about to marry didn’t know that I smoked weed from time to time. He didn’t know about the secret “supply closet” and had never seen my collection of art. I could feel my eyes getting heavy as they welled up with tears thinking about artwork that he would never get the chance to see. That the world would never get a chance to see. 

I allowed Eli to pull me by my hand into his room. This was a stupid idea to smoke at a party, I am never around anyone when I get high, and the day I am, my body decides to be emotional and unrecognizable to me. 

“Cassidy what’s going on, what’s wrong?”

“We are getting married next week, aren’t we?” I began to pace. 

“I sure the hell hope that’s not what’s wrong.” 

I put my hand over my mouth as more tears came. 

“Eli, are we ready for this? Is this next in our path? Do you still feel as sure about this as the day you asked me?”

“Cass what… where is this coming from?”

“Why are you dodging all my questions?” I stood up off of the bed. 

“Ok. Calm down. Yes, I am sure.”

“I’m ready. I don’t need you to talk me off of the ledge or tell me how I feel. I just want to make sure that when we say forever, that you are sure. That I am…”

“Sure? Are you not sure or are you afraid to be more in than me?”

“What if I was more in than you? Don’t you think at some point I would begin to resent you for not loving me enough?” I was asking for a friend. 

He reached out and grabbed my face gently, like I was a child. I knew that he loved me, and I loved him. I loved him like I loved art.

“I think you need this now, after everything that just happened.” He took my hand and lead me out the house. I tried not to even see Jeremy on my way out and I didn’t, but I felt him. 

 Eli lead me to his car and opened the passenger door.

“So now I’m leaving my own party at my boyfriend’s Uncles house, while leaving all my guests at my boyfriend’s uncle’s house.”

“Fiance. And yea, they will be,” he stopped talking while he homed in on the rearview mirror and backed out of the driveway.  “Okay. They will all be alright. We won’t be gone long.”

“We’re not going to secretly tie the knot and come back married, are we?”

He made a face but did not answer me. I took that as a hint to be quiet until he spoke up. 

“You know a lot of what you have been saying that has anything to do with you and I lately has been, I don’t know, never mind.” He leaned away from me and I tried to think of what I had said. I barely remembered. This was typical high behavior for me – speaking, forgetting, repeat. That is why I do not smoke around people. I don’t know what this was, but it was extremely potent. I felt like I was floating inside of the car. Like I was on a roller-coaster ride at six flags. I got lost in my thoughts and vaguely forgot where I was going. 

I began to get paranoid that I was going to open my mouth and let the wrong name come out and then me fantasizing about my fiancé’s, baby sister’s boyfriend would be common knowledge. I wouldn’t have to worry about people associating me with art, I would forever be associated with this drama and betrayal. Because when the rumor mill starts turning, it won’t be able to show that being with Jeremy made me feel like I was creating art. As a sculptor how could that feeling be wrong.