Left at the Alter

Elijah was knelt down on one of the ivory pillows now in front of me. He had one knee on the pillow and one knee forming a right angle, the traditional pose. I watched as phone cameras went off and some lights stayed on. He began his speech that would eventually lead into him asking for my hand in marriage and me saying yes in front of a room full of people who loved us both. Most had witnessed the most exciting day of my life and now they were here for this. I couldn’t put in words how beautiful this was. I felt like the most important person in the room and insanely loved. I felt like Eli had taken the time and put in the work to really understand me and listen to the things I couldn’t always say. I knew it wasn’t always easy and that a weak man would have never made it as long as he did. He didn’t deem it necessary to label us but respected the energy we created. It was never a rush and he was always respectful of my terms. He was not made to be a husband he was made to be my husband. And as long as I thought about it like this, I could make this work. Hell, I was Cassidy Jones, I could make anything work.

Instead of sitting at the table surrounded by the pillows, we joined one of the tables on the right, ordered some drinks and had a great night. We danced on the small dance floor and flirted throughout the night. I wished that his mother was alive, it would have been an honor to meet the woman who made a man so sweet, a man just for me. 

I decided to crash at Uncle Day’s with Elijah that night. It didn’t seem right for us to sleep separate after such a masterpiece of a day. His place was closer, and I knew it was going to be even harder to keep my celibacy pact. But I craved his body next to mine so his place it was. 

 “What’s going on? What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing serious I just wanted to get on the same page regarding our engagement, our wedding, our expectations.”

I could tell that he relaxed a little. I continued, unsure how long he was going to remain relaxed. 

  “I want to marry you, but I am not ready to marry you… right now.”

Eli sat up straight to look at me. I let him process what I had just said. 

“What do you mean by now.”

“Well I want to continue to date you. Everything I know about you tells me that I want to marry you, but I have to measure that up against some things I don’t know. I have non negotiables.”

He laughed at me and I scoffed at him. I didn’t see anything funny and this conversation was so necessary. 

“I remember. You said you needed to see your fiancé under the influence of whatever influences he is used to being under. How he acts around family, friends and what they do to manage their anger.”

 “I need to see it Eli, so I know what to expect when you’re angry.” I don’t need those type of surprises and neither do you.”

“Oh, that’s it?” he teased. 

“I believe you baby.” I said picking up a post it from his desk. “We can start planning but I will need these things before I walk down the aisle.” I began to write them down for him while he laughed at me. 

“Oh, you serious, huh?” he asked still laughing as I wrote with a straight face. 

“I am.”

 He grabbed the post it from me to read what I had written. 

On it I had written down that I still needed to see him angry and that pre-marital counseling was a non-negotiable. I also wanted to get married in a church. I remember when we had spoken about it early on, he had mentioned that he wanted an outdoors wedding with a jazz band. I didn’t argue then because it was all hypothetical, but he got down on one knee tonight because he wanted to bring the hypothetical to fruition. 

“You can have anything you need but remember it’s been a while. I’m aching.” he made a sad puppy dog face as he referenced our sex-less relationship. 

I smiled and playfully pinched his ear dragging it closer to my face. 

“You probably only proposed so you would have access to the cookie jar.” I nibbled on his ear before moving on to his neck “Best damn cookies you’ll ever have. I’m just saying if there is one thing in life you do not want to fuck up its this.” 

I kissed beneath his collarbone and backed away from him. He gave me the look of death before playfully knocking me on the bed and pinning me down. He looked ravished as If he’d devour me. I could feel his pulse high enough on my inner thigh that I involuntarily wiggled him closer to the promised land, a mere moment of weakness. I nudged him off of me and sat up. I smiled at my ring; he had done damn good. So good in fact that I fought the urge to tell him that I was beginning to feel like something was coming between us. I knew I could be super focused at the end of a project and he was probably just giving me the space I would have demanded If given the chance.  I knew by the desires I had been having for Jeremy that my relationship was on the devil’s radar.