Left at the Alter

I heard someone in the crowd yell out the name Neil Gaiman, and I nodded before moving on to the blue lit rectangle. When I reached it, and I was sure that the camera was on me, I bellowed out, ““Never underestimate the power of dreams and the influence of the human spirit.  We are all the same in this notion; The potential for greatness lives within each of us.”

                   Just like before someone in the crowd yelled out, Wilma Rudolph and I paused to smile and nod. The last tile was tinted green and read “Do not seek the because in art there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions.” I glanced down at the words and was pleased. Marla had designed the word art for the word art to appear to be airbrushed over the word love as it was in Anais Nin’s original quote. When I looked up and into the crowd, out of all the people in attendance I locked eyes with Jeremy. He seemed to be making eye contact with me and I felt like I was in his energy again. He brought the camera dangling around his neck to his face and I looked away. 

“Can I have a photo with the artist?”

 It was Jeremy. I instantly felt guilty and looked away from him. I didn’t need Eli who was standing beside me seeing what might appear behind my eyes. 

 “Yea, about a hundred for you.” Eli joked. He first held his hand out like he was ready to collect and then offered his hand for a handshake. 

 “Will you do the honors?” Jeremy asked him after they shook hands. My eyes went from Eli to Jeremy and back again.

 It took Eli a minute to answer Jeremy’s question. I could feel the energy change but continued to keep my game face on. Eli reluctantly agreed and backed away from Jeremy and I to take the photo. Jeremy got really close but didn’t put his arm around me. I looked out at everyone taking photos of us and watching and I felt naked. I was tingling and I felt like everyone knew it. His arm was pressed against mine and his hands at the bottom of his shirt. I gave a just enough smile. I couldn’t have it looking too friendly while my boyfriend snapped my feelings and I couldn’t have it looking too weak like I didn’t try. It would look exactly as it was, suspicious. 

---

Torre assisted in preparing me for what year after this would look like and she was not wrong. I received so many requests for interviews and magazines. In the beginning I went to as many as I could but after about 3 months of flying all over, I really just wanted to be back in the studio. We had been placing people on the wait list to get in for instruction while Marla and I carefully interviewed potential Mentors. We hired three.   

I also tried to keep Eli prepared. Our relationship was about to hit an obstacle that we’ve never had to circumnavigate before. We should be able to handle it if we were strong. I couldn’t lie to myself; I wasn’t feeling all powerful like I usually did. I think that some of my power came from Eli keeping me uplifted. This is where the confusion came in. I was used to losing interest and just picking up with the next guy. Just someone to help pass the time in-between projects. There was no question that not only was Eli different but my feelings for Eli were different. I could not see myself just ending it and being able to start my tomorrow like I had not experienced this time with him. I loved Eli and we were great together. Which is why I was so confused when these thoughts of Jeremy would slip in.  I took my concerns back to my counselor, Torre.