First Date

You want to ensure a first date doesn’t do that thing where it turns into a second? First, wait. Don’t go out with him right away. Instead sleep awkwardly and randomly at his house for the first six months of knowing him and share absolutely nothing about yourself. Panty color? That’s fine. Middle name, favorite color, country of origin – Off limits. After the six-month probationary period, agree to go out and get dressed all datey but still don’t call it a date. Next, and this is an important one, upon arrival order Tequila and tell them to keep them coming. It’s time to talk so just dive right in. Tell your date where you had your honeymoon before you tell him that you were once married. That’s right. Pick a dark, red fruity wine with earthy undertones for this part – you have had enough Tequila. Sit him in a dark corner so that all the lights compliment your cheekbones and facial structure and makes your skin glisten like you walked out of the house with a filter on.  Tell him that the guy your best friend walked in on you boning, stuck around long enough to sweep you off of your feet, propose and actually get you to say yes. Make absolute sure that you leave no stone unturned when you ask if he would like to see the ring and before he answers, but after he looks at your left hand, pull it out of a small pocket in your purse that you personally sewed there, complete with a button, so it never has to get lost in the bottom. Ignore the confused look on his face and hold it up to the light so that he can see just how much better it looks with all the lights bouncing off of it. He will even look better in its glory. It’s tempting to stop the story right here but you’re not that type. Don’t half ass it – and don’t ask him to try it on. You were overcome in happiness during your marriage, tell him all about it. His name is Delance and God himself created Delance for you, you were close like that once upon a time – You and God. It is really important he knows just how perfect Delance is but as perfect as Delance is, and he is that damn perfect, he wasn’t as perfect as the child you effortlessly carried for a perfect 40 weeks. Ignore him saying ok as a synonym to shut up and tell him how you are absolutely sure that you conceived this baby during the backbreaking sex you had out in the Maldives where your sex cries echoed out over the North Central Indian Ocean and, more than likely, disrupted some of the sleeping ancestors.  Make sure that he is privy to all of the details. You never had one nightmare or nauseous thought the entire time you were pregnant. You were all love and belly and boobs until the day you were due and you craved… attention. Oh, and garlic parm wings dipped in hot sauce. Let him know you had a friend that was your friend by way of being pre-engaged to your best friend (everyone knew they were going to get married someday). She was an OB and let you know that you were carrying a perfect little girl. Her words exactly a perfect little girl. Look him in the eye when you tell him about your perfect textbook delivery on bringing this perfect little girl into this world. Smile a little. Tell him your water broke at home. Your contractions got increasingly worse and your humorous husband helped you to breath and laugh through them. When the contractions were close enough you drove to the hospital and upon checking your cervix they found out you were crowning and two pushes later you had graduated from a bashful bride to a marvelous mom. It can get tricky here. Stress that you are not the star of the show but that she is. Build up the courage to speak her name, Delaney. Wipe the tear with just one finger so as not to smear your makeup and in-between bites, tell him how intelligent she was and how it was an honor just to watch her breath at night, the rise and fall of her chest giving you complete satisfaction. Look off into the distance and smile like you can see it now, her little lips just slightly parted as she dreamt, not even space enough to show her tiny white teeth. When you’re ready to move on grasp your left hand with your right as you remember, and get ready to relay, how yow went into the hospital with high hopes the evening before she would turn four and look him in the eye when you tell him you were discharged three days later with a diagnosis that would change the course of humanity. Don’t just look him in the eye but stare into those eyes, hold his gaze. Some may think you’re being dramatic here. You are not. Let him know that your sweet Delaney was discharged with a death sentence that came up for collection only six months later and the only way to dull the pain was to step outside of yourself and become someone else that you didn’t have to recognize when you looked in the mirror. Let him know it wasn’t just you everyone seen the light in her eyes. And when that light went out it devastated and destroyed you. It was a storm and storms are always destructive in nature. She never had a chance. Delaney didn’t survive it, your marriage didn’t survive it, Harrison’s relationship with the sweet OB ended and you cut off everyone you ever knew. Passively tell him Harrison was the gnat that wouldn’t fly to other fruit as you put the ring back in its little pocket. You don’t have to tell him how hard it was to rise from your sheet barren mattress after this. You can assume he knows. It took time and strength you borrowed. It took you making impossible accusations and then promises to yourself. If you can bare anymore at this time you will laugh when you tell him that at first it was fleeting fantasies, the illegalities that you had come to be involved in – they were in your mind which at that point wasn’t a safe space for anybody but the absurdness of the plans you would make in your head made you smile when your smiles had abandoned you. Let him know about the click – it will help tie it in a bow for him – many people need the click. The moment it all came together and became real. You could not strive to be a mother anymore – You were no longer one but you could make a small move to make it right. A small move in the grand scheme of things that would cost lots and lots of money.And when you lift your face to see his crushed expression tell him that her favorite color was green but her favorite sight to see were the sunflowers. Your eyes will dance when you say this and its ok, dances and dreams often mingle. Do not belch when you tell him that tequila is not a great drink for a first date but do nod when you say that one day you will own a large lot of land where you will plant an obscene amount of sunflowers. Once they have solidified their promise of annual return you will sprinkle her ashes there to be with them, where she can come back to you, always.