CHAPTER FIVE

New Year’s resolutions had begun to die down. The tone had become more of “accept that you are great” than the “push to be the best you” it had been at the start of the year. Few were wanting to submit to their New Year commitments any longer. The sun was being a little less lazy and with March snow days came less and less frequent. Calls and texts from Dwight began to follow the same pattern. Jade was there to help ease the pain of feeling rejected and butter pecan ice cream helped as well. She had a couple new texting buddies, courtesy of Jade and couldn’t help but feel like she was being prostituted out. Not one of these gentlemen, for lack of a better term, had asked her out on a date or invited her anywhere nice. Everyone just wanted to chill, whatever that entailed. The ones who did invite her places didn’t pique her interest in the least. She couldn’t put her finger on why she seemed to only want Dwight when he did so little for her goals or self-esteem. He never did fit right into her plan and he made it clear as mud she didn’t fit into his. Still, she convinced herself that he had this wisdom that she could soak up and this way about him that made her feel secure. There was a time that he kept a smile on her face but that had long been replaced with thoughts of confusion and emptiness.

Jade handed Natalie a burger king cup that smelled like a distillery as she pulled away from the cracked curb. She took a huge gulp, her face forming an awful grimace, and braced herself before she did it again.

“He was regular at best and you treat him like he was a king or some shit,” Jade said while exhaling smoke and cutting her eyes at Nat. Jade hated that Dwight wouldn’t even call Natalie his girlfriend and she hated that she treated him like he was her husband only to get dissed in the end. Natalie often wondered how Jade would react if she was privy to the full story! Jade just got the overflow that Natalie couldn’t keep contained once she would get fed up.

The comedy relief came from Travis. It was no surprise that Jade didn’t like him in the beginning either and regretted pushing his phone number on her that night. She felt like Travis didn’t want anything tangible and at the end Natalie would be left feeling like less than the wet condom that he leaves behind, assuming she was wise enough to use one.

“Honey, know your worth!”

Still, despite Jade’s protests she always answered when Travis called even if it wasn’t for anything more than to play hard to get.

“Why don’t you come out here and see me? Nat you know I’ve been wanting to see you.” He would often flirt.

“Why don’t you ever want to see me during the day when you are sober?” she inquired. She didn’t know if she really wanted this or if it just sounded good. Shooting the breeze with him on the phone was actually enough for her. No commitment, no expectations, no lies or broken hearts.

Still, she liked to paint an allusion of this girl who wanted more, in reality, she would take whatever it was he was offering and probably be fine with it. She just loved the attention she got from him. She had grown quite accustomed to speaking with Travis on the phone every other night or so. His conversation wasn’t that bad when he was sober, however, when he was drunk it seemed his only goal in life was to be a phone sex operator. She couldn’t deny the fact that he definitely had a way with words.

She questioned him, on more than one occasion, on why he liked to call her and not his girlfriend. Up until this point he always gave what she considered bullshit answers. Blaming the phone towers for not completing his calls, telling her that his girlfriend would want him to call her, joking that they were looking for a third wheel for their dates. Their friendship felt organic.

“Forreal, every time I call you I have already called her at least twice” “Ah, so I am second! I always thought we had something special!” she joked.

They would usually laugh it off although Natalie did feel a tinge guilty for entertaining the conversation of someone’s man late at night. She would usually make herself feel better by reminding herself that she had not seen him since the bar and had no plans of taking him up on any of his offers. He was her friend. It was this closeness that made Natalie feel justified in giving him advice regarding his relationship.

“What’s your end game?”
“What?” Travis asked, caught off guard.
“You don’t have to tell me but you have to figure it out so that you’ll know. Then you need to let that girl go live her life while you do everything in your power to get to your end game.”
Travis explained to her that he and his girlfriend rarely had conversations anymore, it was more of a check-in process.
“Hey. What you doing?”
“Nothing, what you doing?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh…” Silence.

It reminded Natalie of her own check-in process with Dwight. She had given Travis a light overview of what was going on in her love life and how she was thinking that she would just walk away.

“Listen, I’m a man so I know how they think and I’m telling you, Nat, he only still calls cause he like what you given out. But he is not interested in you as a person. I’m not saying he doesn’t care about you but not the way you probably would want someone to care about you.”

The advice stung coming from Travis but it also felt authentic. Receiving that advice from a guy she had only laid eyes on a couple times put her in a different mood. Jade bringing light to the situation was one thing but when Travis mentioned it the situation just made her look sad.

“Hey, I’m about to go to bed you know I have to be at work in the morning. What are you getting into tomorrow?”
“I’m headed out past your way to find a couple good spots to go fishing. You should come with me this time.”
“I don’t even know why I asked. I know you are out on the lake the beginning of every month.” She laughed.
“You know it! For real, think about meeting me. I’m going to think about some things you said too. And let that lame ass go – you deserve better. Night.” He disconnected the call without waiting for her reply.

Had Travis been in her apartment having this conversation with her then her surprise would have been apparent. That was the first time he had ever really asked to do something with her during the day and seemed serious. Unfortunately, she had work the next day so she knew she wouldn’t be able to make it. The last thing she would want to do is to deter him from asking her to go anywhere else with him. The whole fiasco sounded like it could be great fun but she could not jeopardize her job. She also wasn’t completely ok with heading out to be with someone else’s boyfriend.

Thirty minutes had passed and she was still seated in the middle of her bed overthinking the situation. She called Travis back to tell him why she couldn’t make it and like their conversations often did they went off topic. The quick phone call had turned into an hour without Natalie fully noticing.

“I used to go out on the lake with my pops too. I would spend every summer up here with him. And fishing would be the biggest part of the summer. I rarely ever caught anything but that one on one time with ya pops is priceless. You know what I mean?”

She knew exactly what he meant. And though she knew it was dangerous to enjoy speaking with Travis every night it had become expected. But the guilt was still present. And often when she would disconnect the line she would try once more to reach out to the one who was losing more and more of her heart. Dwight rarely ever answered.