Wishful Thinking

Wished for you 
prayed for you 
tithed the ten percent 
rate
always, well 
maybe missed a Sunday or two 
but never missed a chance to wish upon a star
or 
throw a penny in the tank, fingers 
crossed
together... one atop the other...
 
face swollen, feet swollen, hands swollen, belly
tight 
too much weight on my heels 
too much weight on my behind
too much pressure 
too many trimesters 
the wait way worse than any gift should take 
we wanna hold our baby
 
Happy birthday precious
welcome welcome welcome 
you’re here
Our hearts are so full
and you're a beautiful
nightmare
never had so many sleepless nights
never had so many stained clothes
I have never bore witness 
to sooo much throw up 
me and daddy never disagreed 
on so so many things
or everything 
your lucky your so cute
 
the bills start pouring in 
why are you so expensive!
the headaches come and go 
but mainly come 
between you and daddys yelling 
I wish for death
I mean 
to be deaf 
I tell you this but you couldn’t care less
the milk doesn’t come quick enough for you 
the pajamas are either too warm or 
not warm enough 
for you
who knew you'd be so picky 
 
this isn't what I wished for 
this is all all wrong 
one more night in this hospital 
and Im sure sanity will flee my body 
quickly 
quicker than kwanza when she seen that squirrel 
quicker than that squirrel when she noticed kwanza 
quicker than daddy picked up and left 
sigh 
come here baby 
let’s put these hospital booties back on your feet 
before you slip and they'll never let you leave 
 
rent is 
due 
electric is 
due 
water and gas are 
overdue 
as is everything else 
no one to talk to 
all I hear is 
you should of thought of this
before you made the decision to become 
a single parent 

I looked everywhere 
Everywhere 
For this decision 
That I made 
To become a single 
Parent 
but only came across 
places that it wasn't

It wasn't amongst the 
Nice and naughty notice
To not return to work
It wasn't amongst the tuition default
It wasn’t enclosed in the envelope 
With my glamorous dress up date for 
Divorce court 
And 
It wasn't in the disposable bag
That carries similac and sangria 
But mostly 
Sangria