Cruise Control

Cruise Control 

“Mrs. Shears I know this is difficult but due to the circumstances I am sure you understand why this decision has to be made within the next fifteen minutes. I am sorry.”

Nodding was all this tired body had the strength to do. With one more tissue I followed the family liaison back into room four. We passed at least one other doctor and a slew of nurses that avoided eye contact with me.  The nice skinny paramedic was long gone. There was an IV in my husband’s arm providing him with comfort as his heart-beat would soon until it was free from pumping blood through his body. That is how the thief steals your happiness, through your husband’s heart because he knows you value that more than your own. He knows that if he goes for your heart you’ll soon know nothing but if he goes for your husband’s heart you’ll soon know the feeling of every grief known to man. He was stealing a husband, father, and friend forever. I dropped my head in prayer once more. Though there seemed to be a block between my cries and God’s eyes and ears because every time someone came in here they were giving more bad news and more bad news to the point that I knew that without a miracle I was going to say goodbye to my husband in this strange town on the lake. 

Everything always happened quickly for us. I liked that. I was a busy body, always moving, always had something to do. That wouldn’t be the case this time where at most we had a day. Twenty four hours in a time where we made plans more than a year in advance.  In the early planning phases of this trip, we were going to fly but that was so typical of us and Dan wanted something different. Our plan was to pick up Anne and Jacob and hit the road at dawn. The first day would be all travel time but we were good friends and so we were okay with that. It had been a long time since Ann and I were able to laugh at the men to their faces so this should be good for us. Daniel and I were hitting twenty-three years of marriage and we were going to take Chicago by storm in a weekend full of celebration. We ached to see if we were still the life of the party, to see what the next chapter would hold. 

Our story began in the Philippines, Dan and mine, right down Friendship Boulevard. He was smaller back then, he was more handsom now; we were both dangerously crazy. I was just a supervisor, back then, at a local call center taking the brink of a customer’s frustrations for them not being able to talk to anyone who spoke English. “Yes sir I understand,” I would respond while surrounded by some of the most intelligent multilingual people I had ever known judged solely on their accents. 

He met me at what I would describe as being one the weakest, most vulnerable moments of my life up until now. He was definitely a rebound guy turned husband. In the fall of 2000, I just so happened to be one of five supervisors chosen to travel overseas to help retrain our management team at a sister site in Pampanga. I cared less about the goals of the company and more about what this would mean for my family goals. The added bonus of a paid for passport and covered travel arrangements made this trip hard to decline. Add to that when I was finished with my assignment I would be eligible to apply for a manager position, I packed quickly. 

 It already wasn’t easy leaving my three-year-old baby in the care of my fiancé Drew but it seemed like what we needed to do at the time to propel our family forward. I, as always, had a plan. After returning to the states and moving into my new managerial position we could be married within the year. We set a date. Drew was my high school sweetheart and at the time I couldn’t wait to spend forever with him. I know it doesn’t sound like great parenting to leave a child so young but again, I had a plan.  In my head, the pros outweighed the cons. So all signs pointed to go. 

It was four months into my six-month trip and I couldn’t bare it any longer. I flew home and spent what seemed to be a great week with my fiancé and daughter. Leaving her the second time would prove harder than the first. After my 24 hour flight back to the Philippines I called to let everyone know I was safely back in the land of Tagalog and rice. Drew used this time to bring forth a confession that would change the course of our future. There was a girl. There wasn’t supposed to be another girl yet there she was all prim and proper, popping the balloon that was my happily ever after. In hindsight, I am thankful, at that time I was raging. 

She was pregnant. 

I thought I was pro-life until I asked him to pay for the demise of an innocent, unborn human being. I had never thought lower of myself than I did every time I remembered that I had spoken those words once upon a time. They made no difference. That’s not to say that those words were harmless just that they made no difference. She was eight months pregnant. There would be a baby. Drew suggested putting the wedding off and that’s exactly what we did, we put the wedding off. Forever. Drew became a washed-up character of a past chapter. My story had to go on. 

At that time Dan was in his fifth year in the Marines. I think he was ready to get out but he says it was me and had always been me that shifted his future from a military career to that of a civilian. His grandmother was Japanese, said he had always had the want to travel to Asia; being stationed in Okinawa was a dream come true for him. Said he loved the sexy slant of a Japanese girl’s eyes and they loved his dimpled chin. I recalled literally laughing out loud when he told me this. That dimple was the most unattractive thing on my husband’s face. Even now thinking about it makes me smile, something my inner spirit needed, and I reach down to gently stroke his beard. Time was passing and my love was slipping farther and farther away from me. 

The slight slant in his eyes was the only things he had inherited from his grandmother, that left one was my personal favorite. I could catch that wink from across the room and I would smile so big, my light brown cheeks flushing, betraying me every single time. He always had this tony the tiger roughness, gentleness, dichotomy thing going on. Today I really needed that strength to pull through for us. I was doing phenomenal job posing as someone with this unbelievable strength, but I actually felt pretty afraid and drained. I was becoming really discouraged. My grandmother always told me to just pray. She followed that up with if you pray why worry, and if you’re going to worry why pray? My grandfather was still alive and well so there is no way she could know what I was carrying on my shoulders right now.  

Remembering our beginning still brought those happy tears to my eyes. I leaned over the bed rail to give him a kiss as a tear sashayed simply and delicately out of my eye and leaked onto his cheek. The night my ex broke my heart I went out looking for him. Not Dan, specifically, but any him. Some him that wanted to buy me drinks, and dance, and sing compliments into my ear all night. Someone who could make me forget my reality. Perhaps, someone to take my reality away. I didn’t anticipate finding someone that would change it. Clearly, I was not thinking clear. 

I just thank God I didn’t make it far alone or this could have been quite a problematic night. I first stopped at the bar in the hotel where Dan and his comrades were throwing back shots of fire Dr. Peppers and just lighting all kind of drinks on fire. It was actually his friend Jimmy that asked me to join them but three drinks in I was having a much better time with Dan. The party continued at the casino where in his drunken stupor he proceeded to allow me to lose about ten thousand pesos before he reclaimed possession of his wallet. To this day he will not allow me into a casino. We vowed that we would go back to the Philippines. We would go back and visit the silly hat club where in the land of really petite women there was this thicker girl with all the greatest dance moves. We would revisit the bar with all the pretty girls dressed in little pink dresses in hopes that the one we previously purchased was still there. We didn’t believe in prostitution but we thought it would be nice to buy a girl and set her up in the hotel by herself so she could have a paid night off. The next day she went into town with us and helped us barter. When I left I had a new outlook on life, a handful of new friends, a soulmate, and luggage full of new purses. 

Interrupting my thoughts Dr. Sechel returned to the room to ask if I have made my decision. I am emotionally bankrupt but I don’t show it.  He says that they have checked the weather and they are clear to fly should I choose to go that route, the hopeful route. 

“Where would he be flying to?” I asked as if it mattered. 

“Metro hospital in Cleveland. It’s just about forty to fifty minutes east of here. I wish we were better equipped to deal with these situations so that we did not have to put you and your family through this. You still have about five more minutes to decide if you want me to come back.” 

“And if we don’t fly?” came a voice from beyond the door.

Dr. turned his back to me or he would’ve seen that my face never changed. Tears would come and go but my face remained set in stone. 

“I’m sorry are you related?” Dr. Sechel addressed Anne who was now making her way into the room, Jacob in close tow. She looked like she had been up ten days. She looked like her husband was in the hospital bed instead of standing behind her stroking her shoulders and avoiding eye contact with me. 

“I will handle it Dr. Thank you. We…. We….” I couldn’t find my words. Suddenly I was angry at myself.  I knew I loved my husband but even I was surprised at this moment how deep that love ran. We know from the moment we are young that everything has an expiration date, milk, flowers, pets but to know how vastly unpredictable that date is for other people is the hardest of all. The expiration date on the ones we love cave our hearts, cloud our judgement, and leave a locked hollow space that remains forever. That space is bigger when the loved one is your soul mate.

Taking a moment I breathed in through my nose, real deep, and out through my mouth. I spoke to Dr. Sechel but I looked Ann in the eyes and gave my decision. 

“Palliative care.” It exited like helium leaving a balloon. In my head, I believed I looked like Olivia Pope after giving her definitive answer difficult in nature. In reality, I knew I just looked like crap. I was as empty as my husband’s corpse would be in the next few hours. But unlike the empty balloon, I would not fall to the floor while everyone was watching me. I would stand tall like my husband would.

Anne, on the other hand, fell to her knees, defeated. My face never changed, the roles had been reversed and I was his soldier now. I looked away. 

The doctor started his, “I know its hard speech” but I wasn’t listening. I was ready to just spend the last moments with my husband wishing we had more time. 

Anne got herself together the best she could. Over the hours in our wait small talk snuck upon us. We talked about what a lovely road trip we had had until this. We talked about deviating from the route to see more of the scenery that lakeside living had to offer. I bet to these people, these buckeyes, lakeside living was the norm. I noticed every beautifully made home and the breeze coming off of the lake felt divine. I loved the feeling that I felt while riding along the path of the lake, windows down, taking it all in. I noticed all this and never once noticed that my husband had been unresponsive since before we even entered the state of Ohio. He works a lot; he could have been tired, right? No, a wife should know.

Apparently, there were some downsides to being in this part of the Midwest. There weren’t any nice hotels so Anne and Jacob settled on a motel close by to get some sleep once Dan and I were transferred to Hospice care. I never left Dan’s bedside. From the time we first entered the hospital Dan had lost all control of his right side. What we originally thought to be a simple stroke, if you could use such a word to describe such a horrific unpredictable phenomenon, was a full-on intracerebral hemorrhage whose pressure was forcing my husband’s wonderfully exercised, beautiful mind, into the left side of his head. 

Now in hospice care in Ohio instead of the windy city we planned to venture to I watched as this powerful man lost control of his bladder and his bowels and I witnessed him go into respiratory distress. I took it all in and never looked away not once. I prayed that he would gain enough function to just to tell me he loved me one more time, enough function to wink at me with that left eye. I prayed most of all that he was not in any pain as he passed from one world into the next. 

It happened and I nodded. It was done. Three A.M on October 5^thmy husband made me the luckiest widow alive to have been able to share in his existence and he, in mine. 

We made preparations to have my Mr. Shears transported back to Charlotte, North Carolina where this journey originated. I thought long and hard about having him cremated so that I could finish this journey we had started in Chicago. Perhaps take him back to the silly hat club, maybe turn his ashes into a diamond-like some of those crazy old ladies do to their parents. 

After cleaning up and writing thank you letters to everyone for their patience, help and kind words during this difficult time we prepared for our travels home. 

Anne asked me “Emily, are you ready for this long ride home?”

I knew I wasn’t ready to think about any more long rides. I liked when things went quickly. I don’t like prolonged rides or prolonged pains. I decided to fly.